The most beautiful, stimulating, fever dream inducing rehearsal of my entire life took place today. I tend to get fairly anxious about improvising because the thought of being judged on the spontaneous movements that my body vomits scares the living hell out of me. Juliana, the choreographer I’m working with, asked us all to improvise by ourselves, and I ended up being the last person called. I was sick with nerves, for some reason, I didn’t know my body at that moment. I slunk away from my few minutes alone and let the other dancers flood the floor. My anxiety began to rise, my breaths became deep but empty, I could hardly find any air. Then, I heard the beginning chords of The Velvet Underground’s Oh Sweet Nuthin’ and I melted out of hiding and onto the marly. I was still sick and scared from before so I closed my eyes and pretended to be alone. I sang the words quietly to myself and began to let my body become the music. I was thrashing through the space, limbs in every direction, jumping and falling and pleading for mercy and my feet began to bleed. My only thought was to go harder, completely succumb, and give up my life for that moment. I felt like Atlas carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, and as the music died I began to perish with it. When I opened my eyes my face was hot and flushed, and the marly was covered in my blood. I had died, I had died, I had died, and for shame I am still alive.